Da Random & Angsty Adventures of Spiffy McSpiffers
by Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma
Summary: It seems after the amount of hot days Japan has had recently, Akito has gone insane! Spiffy Jane Mary Akito McSpiffters, God of Cheesypoofs and the 13 Zodiac If you include Kyo, is on the loose and she isn't afraid to use herself! [COMPLETE]
1. The Golden Sack of Balls

**A/N:**

**Yes. The RANDOM AND ANGSTY ADVENTURES of Spiffy McSpiffters. Fear, dammit!**

**(Sprouted from "Spiffy McSpiffters and the Giant Cheesypoof of Luck")**

**Disclaimer/Warnings: I don't own FB. Language and OOC.**

**FOR THIS STORY TO MAKE SENSE! You might wanna read the other Spiffy story first.**

Spiffy McSpiffters and the Golden Sack of Balls 

It was a steamy hot day in the middle of Summer when Akito Sohma decided to go out for a walk. She liked walking, but not in the sun. But because she isn't very smart, she forgot it was sunny. There was an odd noise was released from her mouth and she was gone.

"Damn, it's a fine day!" Screeched Spiffy in Hatori's ear about five minutes later. Spiffy didn't know where she had been the past 6 months, but it didn't bother her. She was alive and living again!

"Are you… okay?" Asked Hatori worriedly, pawing at his nostril with a… pencil (not a paw, poor, or a pawpaw). Spiffy nodded extremely big, before skipping off to find her adventures clothing. She felt an adventure coming on! Little did she know, after Spiffy disappeared, Akito burned the clothes.

"KURENO!" She hollered to Kureno's hand, "Where's my adventures clothing?"

"You burnt it about… 6 or 7 months ago"

"…Damn. Never the less, it's time to find the Golden Sack of Balls!"

Kureno stifled laugher before pointing to the door. Spiffy laughed loudly and ran out the door, arms thrown up in the air in the traditional gangsta slash adventurer slash god-like way. She walked over to the Great Wall of China again and realized she was going to wrong way. So she walked out the Back Great Wall of China.

Back in reality, Hatori was watching Akito though his window. She was heading for the back gates of Sohma House, a tinier and less attractive set of gates, which Akito had ordered to be put in herself. Hatori realized she was probably Spiffy when this had happened.

Back in Spiffyville, Spiffy Jane Mary Akito McSpiffters, God of Cheesypoofs and the 13 Zodiac if you include Kyo, was busy climbing over the Back Great Wall of China. She didn't realize that the gate actually had a latch.

(A/N: Damn, "Spiffy Jane Mary Akito McSpiffters, God of Cheesypoofs and the 13 Zodiac if you include Kyo" is a long name!)

Once over, she headed to the ancient building establishment, where the guarder of the Golden Sack of Balls lived. The ball sack was actually his.

Anyway, she went inside the ancient building establishment and gasped. The guard was standing right in front of her, stunned and shocked! What was she to do? She hadn't packed any supplies, because her adventures clothing was trapped in the fire depths of Hell. Think, Spiffy! Think!

Back in reality, Yuki was standing before Akito, watching her intently. Was there a reason that she was standing there, a ridiculous grin on her face? He turned to Shigure, who giggled.

"Spiffy McSpiffters, I presume," He said slowly, watching Akito sway and giggle. "It's fairly hot today, you know"

"DAMN! Get her the Hell out of here!" Yelled Kyo, punching the back of Shigure's head, "She doesn't belong here in that state!"

"She doesn't belong here anyway" Said Yuki, quietly, watching Akito intently for any traces of rape, mauling or suicide.

Back in Spiffyville, Spiffy had figured out how to ward off the guard so she could chop off his Great Golden Ball Sacks. She whipped out her trusty, plastic, butter knife and tugged on the guards leg, making him topple down in a very angsty fashion. She reached for the ridge of his pants and yanked-

Back in reality Yuki was screaming and hitting Akito on the head with a chair. Nothing would stop her though, as the knife came closer to his…

-down his pants, along with his boxers. She heard a yell of protest as the knife edged towards his Golden Sack of Balls. There was a loud scream, before blood dripped onto her hand. She had got them, finally!

…"Kyo! Get me a bag of something, anything! Tohru! Sauce, any sauce! Shigure! Do nothing!"

"Aye, aye, captain!" Shigure replied, stupidly, as the other two hurried for the items Yuki had asked for. They returned in the nick of time, as Yuki squirted tomato red sauce onto Akito's hands and placed a sack of sand on top. They sighed a sigh of relief as she backed off and walked away.

Back in Spiffyville, Spiffy was overjoyed with the fact she had finally recovered the ancient Golden Sack of Balls. She laughed hysterically before skipping off to the Back Great Wall of China, where she let herself in through the latch this time. She skipped off to Hatori's house.

"Look Hatori! Yuki's ancient Golden Sack of Balls!"

Hatori looked swiftly up from the newspaper he was reading. She hadn't chopped of Yuki's… had she? Oh wait, that was a sack of sand.

"Oh, fabulous, Spiffy!" He replied all too acidly, "I'll get you a… TAKE THIS!"

Hatori held up his pocket fan to Akito's face. She let out a strange noise. Spiffy was gone.

"Hatori," Akito muttered under her breath after about five minutes of complete silence. Hatori looked up at her from his newspaper. He winked.

"Spiffy came out again, Akito. Claimed to have retrieved the Golden Sack of Balls, which happened to be Yuki's testicles," He replied all too calmly, "But it was really a sack of sand. You seem to have sauce on you, as well. Kureno will clean you up,"

"Dammit…" Akito grunted, "I hate the Summer. If I was God, there would be no Summer," With that, she trudged off to Kureno's block, to get cleaned up.

A/N:

Ha. I couldn't help it, I wanted to start a series. A mini series. Yay!

That one was a bit… perverted. I promise the others wont!

Poor Yuki…. Poor Yuki.


	2. To The Pervy Rescue!

**A/N:**

**UPDATES FRIDAY.**

**This chapter is called… well, you'll see.**

Spiffy McSpiffters, To The Pervy Rescue! 

Spiffy Jane Mary Akito McSpiffters, God of Cheesypoofs and the 13 Zodiac if you Include Kyo, woke up to a start the next morning. She felt like a random, insane and stupid adventure. It was about 2 in the morning, which was quite an achievement. Akito didn't usually get out of bed until 11am.

Spiffy jumped out of bed and into her adventures clothes. She had found some more under her bed, which was good. She tucked in her fawn shirt and pulled her adventures pants up so far she could wear the rim as a bra. So, she did.

She wandered outside, cold and alone. It was strange to Spiffy; she was usually alive during the day. Then, she realized; she must have woken up for a reason! Maybe she was supposed to go to the rescue of something. The pervy rescue!

(Spiffy later found out the 'reason' was because she needed to pee. But, it was too late)

She strode out the Great Wall of China and down the road, to the ancient building establishment. It seemed that all of her adventures ended up at the ancient building establishment. She opened the door by slamming her fist through the paper door and unlocking it. She strolled in.

"HELLO! IS SOMEONE IN NEED OF A PERVY RESCUE?" She called in a voice, which resembled one of… THE PRESIDENT OF THE USA.

This woke Yuki to a start. He knew right away it was Akito, AKA, Spiffy. He remembered he last ordeal with Spiffy McSpiffters and shuddered. He didn't want to lose his balls (almost) again. He hurried into Kyo's bedroom, a place he didn't usually go.

"Wake up, moron cat! Spiffy is here!"

Kyo groaned and rolls over; falling off the bed. He mumbled something incoherent before asking, "What's the matter, idiot?"

"Spiffy…" Yuki said softly. Kyo gasped.

"I want you to… say you need to be 'pervy rescued'"

"YOU DO IT!" Yelled Kyo all too loudly. Spiffy heard and skipped up the stairs joyfully that someone needed pervy rescuing. Yuki pushed Kyo out the door and locked it.

"Haha… hello Spiffy…"

"HELLO MY SWEET KYO! HOW ARE YOU?"

"…Good…"

"I HEAR YOU NEED TO BE RESCUED IN A PERVY FASHION!"

"Y-Yeah…"

"WHAT FROM?"

Kyo thought about this. He could use Spiffy to an advantage! He smirked.

"Yuki Sohma is trying to kill me, Spiffy! Please help!"

"DIE YUKI!" Spiffy yelled, shaking a fist. "There ya go!"

Kyo stared as Spiffy did a victory dance. Maybe his idea wasn't such a good one, after all.

Spiffy was happy. Very happy. She had rescued someone, with pervy powers! She danced over the wall of China and into her bed, where she fell asleep.

2 hours later, it was… 5am. Spiffy awoke, only to be attacked and pinned down by-

**A/N:**

**CLIFFY! Haha, I win.**


	3. In X Rated Trouble!

**A/N:**

**I have… UPDATED DAMN YOU.**

**Say thanks.**

Spiffy McSpiffters In X Rated Trouble!

…HATSUHARU! She gasped and rolled over, onto the floor. Haru stared at her with an insane look in his eyes. He smirked, remembering the first time he had met Spiffy.

"Hello… Spiffy…" He cooed gently, reaching for Spiffy's short, dangly hair. She tried to back away, but only ended up against the wall. Haru stroked her cheek affectionately.

"Remember when I first met you?"

Spiffy shuddered. She hadn't meant to make those sounds. The sounds that enticed him into having casual and unregretful sex- WAIT! I'm not allowed to say that.

Spiffy dropped to her knee's and raised her hands in the air.

"Dear God, if you spare me so I'm not in X rated trouble anymore-" She paused. She WAS God. No use in talking to herself, was there? She damned herself for being in such a position. Spiffy groaned inwardly. She didn't want to have casual and unregretful sex with Haru again. She made a run for it, which worked. Haru was kinda slow (he's a COW), so he didn't turn around and grab her.

Spiffy fled to the ancient building establishment, where she unlocked the door from where she had previously broken it. She ran in, to find Tohru cooking breakfast already and Kyo sitting around on the floor. They stared at her and she stared back.

"Haru… rape… scared… Spiffy…" She said abnormally, slapping her hands on her knees. Tohru went over to her aid and sat her right beside Kyo, who was shuddering. Spiffy wasn't his best friend in the while wide world, ya know.

"Uhh…"

"Kyo, I think this is a good time to tell you," Spiffy mumbled, resting her head on Kyo's shoulder. He let out a cry; I mean, eww! Who wants a person who is going to put an end to your life one day leaning all over you and attempting to put a hand down your boxers? Well, some people might, but Kyo didn't. She shoved her sideways a bit and stood up.

"Leave me alone, dammit!" He yelled at Spiffy, walking off in a random direction. Then, he realized Spiffy needed to tell him something, so he hesitantly came back.

"…Kyo I'm… I'm your MOTHER!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screeched Kyo so loudly the windows broke. Oh wait, Shigure's house HAS no windows. Damn. Anyway, he howled and glared at Spiffy. She grinned stupidly back.

"You… You… I HATE YOU!" Kyo yelled.

"Ahh crap! I'm in X rated trouble now! First there was Haru rape, now there is Kyo hate! What next! Waaah!"

"…Mum, you're a loser" Kyo mumbled. Why did he even say Mum? Spiffy poked him.

"I was kidding, moron. I'm Spiffy Jane Mary Akito McSpiffters. Not Spiffy Jane Mary Akito Sohma. I'm only your… second cousin twice removed, auntie's, uncle's, father's son's, daughter's, uncle's, wife's sister in law"

Kyo let out a 'phew!' of relief. I mean, having Spiffy has a second cousin twice removed, auntie's, uncle's, father's, son's, daughter's, uncle's, wife's sister in law isn't so bad. He walked into the kitchen, for some milk to share with Spiffy.

"Have milk,"

So she did.

"So… you said Haru was trying to rape you?"

"Yeah," Replied Spiffy, "He's scary. I wouldn't trust him with my balls. I-I mean my life…"

"In your world Spiffy, what do you call this place?"

"The… ancient building establishment"

"…"

It was about 8 in the morning by the time Spiffy went home. Tohru had served some breakfast for everyone and Yuki had gotten over his fear of Spiffy. She'd even had casual and unregretful sex with Shigure.

So, all in all, everyone was gleeful and happy.

Even though they're the same thing.

**A/N:**

**Gasp! **


	4. Trip to South East Mongolian America

**A/N:**

**ONESHOT WEDNESDAY…. Has been canceled and replaced with an update day instead. I need to update all my stories. Hopefully ONESHOT WEDNESDAY will return next week, on the dot at 7pm o'clock as per fucking usual.**

**(I'm copying and pasting this into the A/N: of every story…)**

Spiffy McSpiffters and The Trip to South East Mongolian America

Spiffy Jane Mary Akito McSpiffters, God of Cheesypoofs and the 13 Zodiac if you Include Kyo, was pleasantly surprised the next morning when she awoke to find the sun a-shining and life good. This meant she was to go for an adventure; a Spiffy adventure through Spiffyville and over the hills to far away, where Teletubbies used to play (until Akito shot them).

When the sun was hidden by the tree with a carcass in it, it meant that Spiffy was to trek to South East Mongolian America, where she would hunt the elusive BANANA SLUG. She gasped with utter excitement and joy and she skipped through the Back Gate of the Great Wall of China and around the boundaries of the Wall.

There was a pleasant feeling to the air as she skipping passed the ancient building establishment; the place of most of her adventures so far. But today, something different was happening. She was being drawn to a place where many children abound… and BANANA SLUGS.

In reality, she was going to go to the high school down the road of Sohma Estate, where Tohru, Yuki, Kyo and all the others attended for their daily ritual of education. Something none of them except Tohru believed they needed.

She skipped along the side walk until she came to a dust covered, bronze coloured gate with a rusty handle. Inside the gate, she could see some foreigners dancing to the beat of a random and unusual song. She opened to gate carefully and creaked in, unnoticed for she was an adventurer person.

Of course, everyone noticed her. Who wouldn't? She had her pants doubled up a bra, for Akito's sake. They stared.

"Is that Akito?" Asked Tohru slowly to anyone in particular, who at the time, was Haru. He nodded equally as slowly before they disappeared into the… day.

"YOU THERE! FOREIGNERS! HALT YOUR SEXUAL ACTIVITYS!" Hollered Spiffy to all the teens. Suddenly, she heard sirens behind her. POLICE!

Yes, the principal had called the police because there was a 'stranger' on the ground. She kicked and screamed yelling, "I'm an adventurer! I am! I am!" until they sedated her with morphine.

In the end, Spiffy got to her house safely, to be put into the care of Hatori and Kureno.

"You need to take better care of this inmate," Said the policeman kindly, "Even though she is escaped"

They nodded and dragged Spiffy away. She sang a sweet tune to her bedroom.

"They're coming to take me away, HAHA!  
They're coming to take me away, HOHO!  
To the funny farm, where people are happy all the time,  
And I'll be glad to see those men in their clean white coats…"

It was about 10pm that night when Spiffy realised the while point of that trip was to find BANANA SLUGS and she didn't even bother to look. She sighed; that would be tomorrow.

**A/N:**

**I don't remember the rest of that song…**


	5. BANANA SLUGS and Kookyland

**A/N:**

**IMPORTANT.**

**Hey, hey! I've decided to do a little thing with all my stories so if you're a common reader of my stories, over the next few days you'll find a notice like this in the chapters.**

**Do you have a request for a certain chapter? An insane plot, you want to see come alive? Maybe the oneshot you've always dreamed of?**

**PM me or send me a review and I'll do it for you! It's school holidays, so I'll be seriously bored. So… bring on the requests!**

Spiffy McSpiffters, the BANANA SLUGS and Kookyland. 

Spiffy Jane Mary Akito McSpiffters, God of Cheesypoofs and the 13 Zodiac (If you Include Kyo) arose the next afternoon at about 5pm. After such a major adventure to South East Mongolian America the previous day, Spiffy needed to sleep in, otherwise death would knock on her door. But today! Today was the day that she went in proper search for the BANANA SLUG.

"Hatori?" Spiffy questioned, standing outside the quarters of Kureno. He came to the door and gave Spiffy a look of anguish. Spiffy cocked her head.

"It's KURENO, Akito. What is it?"

"My name is Spiffy, damn you!"

"…"

"I wish to find the elusive BANANA SLUG. Why? Because Gwen Stefani taught me how to spell banana. That's damn special"

There was a pause before Kureno gave his approval and summoned a supervisor to go with Spiffy on her journey. It happened to be a senior maid; the one who assisted with the birth of Spiffy herself.

"So…. Master Akito…"

"IT'S SPIFFY!" Spiffy yelled loudly in the maid's ear. She cringed and corrected herself whole heartedly. Spiffy nodded in approval.

"We must fine the BANANA SLUG, mere maid" Spiffy said, clapping her hands, "Say, what's ya name?"

"Kuuka Sohma"

"Well Kooky! We must descend! AWAY!" Spiffy said, thrusting her bony finger towards the Great Wall of China. Kuuka nodded and followed; it was going to be a crazy day.

Spiffy scampered beyond the maid and opened the Great Wall for her. Kuuka thanked Spiffy and chased her out and into the woods.

"Where're we going?" The maid asked, like a good little asker.

"Your home town, Kooky. KOOKYLAND"

Kuuka sighed. There was no such 'hometown' of hers. She bargained in her mind weather to ask Spiffy where this Kookyland was.

"It's around the tree bend thingy from the ancient building establishment,"

"I see…"

"Shigure lives there!"

Kuuka knew of Shigure. He tried to kill her once. Nice guy.

Spiffy and Kuuka walked passed Shigure's house. There was a large tree; probably the 'tree bend thingy'. Kuuka held Spiffy's hand and led her around the tree and into a puddle.

"Halt!" Spiffy said dramatically, "We have come to the PUDDLE. The puddle to the entrance of Kookyland. Gasp!" Gasped Spiffy, pointing at the puddle. Kuuka stared at the puddle and rolled her eyes.

"OH MY AKITO!" Yelled Spiffy, "A BANANA SLUG!"

In reality, it was a worm. A dead worm at that. Spiffy reached for it and picked it up, placing it in her hand and began to caress it. She cooed over the worm.

"BANANA SLUG… hello…."

"Spiffy, maybe you should put the uh… banana slug back into it's-"

"HUSH! YOU MUST SAY BANANA SLUG IN CAPITALS!" Spiffy yelled in a very aggressive manor, waving a finger. Kuuka nodded.

"The BANANA SLUG needs to stay in it's natural habitat"

"No! I must eat the BANANA SLUG! Because I found it. You get an eye ball, Kooky" Spiffy said happily, chucking the worm in her mouth and spitting out a tiny piece for Kuuka.

"N-No… it's okay…"

"EAT IT" Ordered Spiffy. Kuuka cursed herself at this moment, for becoming the 'helper adventurer' for Spiffy. She plopped it in her mouth and swallowed before any taste reached her tongue.

"Yay! Time to go home, Kooky!"

Kuuka and Spiffy trekked home, back through the woods. Oh, the joy!

End Note.

Do not eat worms, even if you are in a state of delusion. Even if you think you yourself are Spiffy Jane Mary Akito McSpiffters. You are not. Only she is.

BANANA SLUGS and/or worms are not edible, unless you are a bird.

Dammit! You're not a bird!

**A/N:**

**Bwahaha. I laugh at your rotting body. **


	6. The End of Spiffy McSpiffters

**A/N:**

**Gasp… this is the end of Spiffy McSpiffters!**

**No, I didn't just end it randomly here. I always planned to, I promise.**

The next day, Kuuka complained to Hatori and Kureno about the state that Akito was in. She explained she was forced to eat a worm and that Spiffy was out of control.

"You're right…" Kureno sighed, scratching his head, "But there's nothing we can do!"

"Oh yes there is!" Hatori said, clicking his fingers loudly. "When the Near Year comes around in the middle of Summer, Akito orders that the Main Hall get filled with fans. This is because-"

"She doesn't want to turn into Spiffy!" Kuuka exclaimed, clapping, "But where does she keep the fans?"

"In the storage cupboard, in the shed behind Haru's house," Kureno stated matter of factly. He was proud he finally got to do something useful. Poor guy. Not even in the anime.

Spiffy scratched her arse as she walked down the halls towards Hatori's house. It was time for her medication. Spiffy only remembered this morning; Akito took about 7 pills a day. She hadn't taken any since she returned from her journey inside Akito's mind. Her body was beginning to shut down and it HURT.

"Hatori?" She asked as she pushed the door open. There was a 'charge!' and everything went black.

When Akito woke, she was tied to a chair with about eight fans around her. She felt sick; very sick. She groaned in pain as a wave of spew traveled up her throat. The burning liquid oozed from her mouth and onto the floor, just has Kuuka, Kureno and Hatori ventured in the room. Akito coughed.

"W-What's going on… what's h-happening…"

"Akito, you transformed into the Spiffy girl and have been her for the past 5 or 6 days. You haven't taken any medication either. Are you okay?"

"Tablets!" She cried, "Bring them to me! Now!" Hatori nodded and scurried to collect her weeks worth of pills.

Yep, Akito was back on the scene again.

Or until a day got particularly hot again.

**A/N:**

**Muhaha! **

**The end of another series! Thanks for reviewing and following me the whole way!**

**It's cool to know people like my stories –claps-**

**If you like this story, you'll probably like my others… anyway…**

**Goodbye for now! **


End file.
